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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The First Shall Be Last

There's another book out on why being successful is bad for your health.

In other news, it was demonstrated that "alpha researchers" suffered undue stress when compared to "beta researchers."

While only comprising 10% of the researcher population, alpha researchers publish over 50% of the peer-reviewed articles and win the majority of Nobel prizes. In addition, they constantly publish mass market books in a wild attempt to gain name recognition and market share.

"Beta researchers", on the other hand, are content to teach community college classes, do little research and spend a lot of time fishing, boating and renting cabins in the Adirondacks with their families.

Research shows that the "betas" are much happier, have lower levels of cortisol, and eat fresh, stream-caught fish (with beneficial omega-3 fatty acids) more often then their "alpha" counterparts.

Unfortunately, related research has shown that "beta" researchers aren't interested enough in "alpha" showboating to point out to the alphas that alphas always die young, alone, and with festering boils. Alphas, on the other hand, appeared to be biologically unable to recognize the negative health effects of their own activities.

Like the deconstructivists who constantly write books explaining that communication between two people is basically impossible, alphas write books explaining why being "alpha" isn't a good idea. In America, the inevitable book chapters lamenting popular non-scientific irrational thinking are generally considered among the finest examples of irony in English literature.

1 comment:

cyurkanin said...

You've got to post more often than you do, sir. :)