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Thursday, August 26, 2010

By These Fruits: Ye Shall Throw Them

The only claim to fame Chris West has ever had is the "fruits" of his works.
The fruits of his work....
Uh-huh.

Yes, well, let's check out some of those fruits, eh? For instance, consider the absolute hatred he has generated in certain non-Catholic circles by teaching his opinion instead of John Paul II's work. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but the sentence,
"Ladies, your bodies don’t make much sense on their own, do they?"
is not a direct quote from the late, great Pope John Paul II. Remarkably, even the second edition of his work, rehashed from the Polish by a man who can't read Polish (Dr. Waldstein, call your office - the royalty check is in), doesn't manage to generate this remarkable sentence.

Now, there are many reasons such a sentence would not be uttered or even implied by John Paul II.

To start with, it's very down-to-earth, which our late Pope was not. As everyone knows, John Paul II was not very much of a people-pleaser. He didn't attract large crowds clamoring for a glimpse of him. No, he was far too high in his ivory tower.

That's why Chris finds it necessary to adapt his language to the streets, and talk about things JP II never thought to discuss, like whether or not Mary was flat-chested, or the proper uses of anal foreplay.

With Chris, TOB is theological stone soup. There isn't much there to start with, but if you just boil the water, and add a bit of flavoring here and a bit of flavoring there, why, in a minute you've got the best-tasting soup in the world! And to think it was made out of just Petrine stones and water! I declare!

Another reason John Paul II would never have said such a thing might have something to do with the fact that the rank stupidity of the statement is so enormous, so bone-deep incredible, that it can only be matched by, say, comparing God to a pathological stalker.

But whose theology would be so horrific, so mind-numbingly whacked, as to even pose statements like this? (Sorry, Janet! Didn't realize you were standing so close!).

To put it another way, was it John Paul II's mission to make women realize that they were senseless, stupid NOTHINGS unless they had a man? (Don't give away the answer, Janet! We're keen to guess!)

Come, let us reason together!

If this is a "theology of the body"
and
"your body doesn't make much sense",
then
YOU don't make much sense, chickadee!
You need a great big MAN to come along and MAKE A WOMAN out of you!
QED.

So as soon as Chris meets such a man, he'll get his number.
For you, of course.

Anyway, I haven't read the young lady's poetry, but I'm bettin' it's going to flow somewhere along the above points.

Yes, Chris is just knockin' 'em dead in the hustings, ain't he?

Them pagans hear his wonderful, down-to-earth friendly summaries of a woman's complete lack of relevance ("your bodies don't make much sense, ladies") and they just KNOWS they is in the company of a cultured man.

Yes, those fruits.... they're a comin', yo're way, Chris, me-boy, sent with luv from all them uneducated, neanderthal, senseless women who didn't ever even realize how stupid their bodies was until a great big man like you pointed it out to them!

Yep, fruits is definitely a-comin', Chris.
But'cha better duck, 'cause they air travellin' mighty fast, and I'm a'thinkin' they air a bit over-ripe, if you catch my meanin'. So DUCK!

2 comments:

dcs said...

"As everyone knows, John Paul II was not very much of a people-pleaser. He didn't attract large crowds clamoring for a glimpse of him."

No? What about all those Papal mega-Masses?

Matheus F. Ticiani said...

Read the following paragraph, dcs:

That's why Chris finds it necessary to adapt his language to the streets...

It's meant to be ironic.