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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, it’s been a busy week here in the newsroom. Here’s our lead news stories:

In Kansas, abortionist George Tiller commemorated the 60th anniversary of Auschwitz by killing yet another of his patients, making this his fourth hospital run in a year.

Hillary Clinton, in a surprise statement, asserted she had great empathy for pro-lifers: “Yes, we do have deeply held differences of opinion about the issue of abortion and I, for one, respect those who believe with all their hearts and conscience that there are no circumstances under which any abortion should ever be available." Hillary’s respect was so profound that she immediately recommended pro-lifers start supporting chemical abortion as a way of preventing unintended pregnancies.

And an abortion clinic in Colorado, in a surprise statement, suddenly started giving a damn about what happened to the uterine contents it sends to the mortuary. When Sacred Heart of Mary Church, just south of Boulder, Colorado, announced that it had received the medical waste from the mortuary and planned on giving the remains a decent burial, the abortion clinic got extremely upset.

For some reason, they considered this exploitation, and became concerned that someone was horning in on their territory. “We are the only ones legally permitted to exploit women,” announced Dr. Warren Hern, in a sudden fit of honesty. Dr. Hern is one of the longest practicing abortionists in the country and…


Oh, wait, no… Dr. Hern didn’t say that.

Sorry – just had a Dan Rather moment there. Let’s see…

Hern actually said “Arbeit macht frei – “Arbeit, meaning abortion, makes you free, and since saline abortion was invented at Auschwitz, we join the world in mourning the loss of reproductive rights that was so beautifully exemplified in Poland some fifty years before President Bush took office and started attacking our way of life.”

Ya' know, that doesn't sound right either. Let’s see here… maybe I should check the notes you took… hmmmm…

Ok, I don’t get this. What’s your point in this part? Yes, there are crematoria at Auschwitz, there’s a crematorium at Dr. Tiller’s place and there’s a crematorium at the mortuary in Boulder. Yeah. So? What? You think there’s a connection there? Why? Just coincidence, obviously. We’ll throw that out.

What else is in here? Hmm... What? Well, of course all three places are going to smell the same when the ovens are burning! Sheesh! What color of foolish are you?


No, we’re not doing that. Look, I’m not throwing in that link about the abortionist who flushed babies down the toilet. Because all of them do that! I can’t believe the cops even charged him on that one. Sure, his receptionist was illegally performing abortions, but she’s a woman. We’ve got no right to judge.

Hey, why do you have this in there?

Yeah, I mean the remark from Colorado state representative Debbie Stanford. Well, because it’s offensive, that’s why. Yes, I know that according to Colorado state law, the babies are defined as "medical waste." Sure, technically the parish was doing nothing illegal by having a funeral and burying the ashes. But this Stanford quote is just over the top. The only way Sacred Heart of Mary's burial could be considered illegal, Stanford said, is if the state decided to define the remains as human beings, and "if the abortion clinic wants to redefine when life begins, then they can challenge [Sacred Heart]."

What? You think that’s funny? That’s not funny. Shut up. And wipe that smirk off your face.


No, we’re not including any reference to the March for Life. Barely anyone showed up. What do you mean, what was the count? I don’t know, maybe 200,000, probably not even that. Yeah, well, it may be the biggest crowd Washington sees every year, but I don’t think much of it. Barely noticeable really. No, none of this is any good. We can’t run this.

We need a good story. Give me some ideas. Oh, never mind. You're useless.

Hey, I’ve got it! How about we do a story on how the German press and intelligentsia was totally co-opted by the Nazis, they turned their backs on the camps, ignored the deportations, the deaths, even capitalized on them, exploited them, made money off them as they died. It would be a nice tie-in for this week’s commemoration of the Auschwitz thing.

And I’ve got the perfect title: “Never again.”

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