Some Of My Favorite Things

Monday, September 08, 2003

A Natural Solution

“Homosexuality should be accepted because we find it throughout nature. Adult whiptail lizards are all lesbian! Monkeys engage in homosexuality all the time! Grizzly bear cubs sometimes have two mothers taking care of them!”

How best can we reply to comments like this?

Simple. Agree, with a sunny smile. But point out that logical consistency is needed. If we wish to pass laws or build social customs around the idea that animals are good role models, then we must open up a whole new realm of jurisprudence.

Consider the sexual habits of the dolphin and the mallard duck, neither of which are cold-blooded lizards, but mammals like us. Both routinely engage in rape and gang rape. Logically, then, rape is good. Rape laws should be quashed so as to reflect this new-found wisdom. Or, consider the habits of the African macaque and the chimpanzee, only separated from us genetically by less than 5% difference in DNA. Both species routinely chase down smaller monkeys, rip them limb from limb, and eat their smoking flesh raw. Teenagers, pay attention! When next the munchies strike, save your money! Simply go to the mall, find a four-year old child, rip her limbs from her sockets and feast on her flesh! Not only is cannibalism perfectly natural, it also opens up a whole new secondary market for abortion clinics. We will, of course, have to retry Jeffrey Dahmer, but – given that he’s already dead – we can at least have an excellent lunch after the judge exonerates him and rehabilitates his reputation, sullied by all those homophobes who don’t understand that “natural” means “good”.

We need to stop being silly. Demonstrating that something is natural does not demonstrate that it is good. Alcoholism has at least as strong a genetic basis as homosexuality, but society doesn’t call it “good.” The medical costs of alcoholism are too high. So are the medical costs of homosexuality.

Lesbians are three times more likely to be alcoholic than non-lesbians, nearly half reported frequent drunkenness, and most pointed to money problems, not social acceptance, as the cause. Gays make up 80% of the both the AIDS and the syphilis cases in the US, their rate of syphilis is ten times that of the heterosexual population, and hepatitis-B transmits nearly nine times more efficiently than AIDS among homosexuals. 55% of homosexual men with ano-rectal complaints have gonorrhea, one-third have herpes simplex, 15% have chlamydia. Gays contract gonorrhea of the throat at a rate four times higher than heterosexuals. 91% of homosexual men have intestinal protozoa: the majority of shigella and amoeba infections among non-travelled immunocompetent patients are homosexuals. Indeed, one New York study found that every single such patient with giardiasis was homosexual. E. histolytica infection is a staggering twenty-seven times more prevelant in homosexuals. Not surprisingly, the most powerful predictor for both giardiasis and E. histolytica infection is homosexual behaviour. Rates of anal cancer are 2500 times higher in homosexuals. Monogamous gays are no better off, health-wise: The American Journal of Public Health published a study in 1990 that found, "Being in a monogamous gay relationship was associated with higher risk sex throughout the entire study."

Not surprisingly, gays have a life expectancy between 8 and 20 years less than heterosexual men, that is, their life expectancy is similar to a man born in 1871, born prior to antibiotics and aseptic surgical techniques. Their lifestyle is so self-destructive that 21st century medical care can only bring them up to 19th century life expectancy.

Everyone, homosexuals and heterosexuals, pays for this lifestyle. For those can afford the increased medical costs, and the higher insurance premiums, for those who don’t mind sharing a bathroom at work with a population that has a high rate of sexually transmitted disease, accepting the gay lifestyle is easy. The rest of us, who find we cannot afford to subsidize this lifestyle might, however, disagree. If it is homophobic to be concerned about my bank balance as I try to raise my family, then I am certainly homophobic, drunk-driver-phobic and cigarette-phobic, and will remain so at least until I win the lottery. And it better be a big pot, not one of those dinky single-digit millions.

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