What Is Maureen Dowd Missing?

In Maureen Dowd's latest column, she claims the Catholic Church is just as oppressive as Islam.

Yes, indeed, I must admit it, we are.

That's why we cut off Maureen's clitoris when she was five.

Without benefit of anesthesia.

Just like the Muslims do.

And we married her to a forty year old man when she was seven.

She lost her virginity to him that same year.

Just like the Muslims do.

In fact, they learned all that from Catholics.

Betch'a didn't know that, eh?

Maureen knows.

She's brilliant.

She works for the New York Times.

They're all so brilliant at the New York Times.

We wish that we wish we would be like them, but we can't wish it because we are so everlastingly "patriarchal" (that means "stupid," I think. I'm not sure. I don't work for the New York Times. Big Sigh).

In any case, Maureen, who (along with Dan Brown) has revealed these hidden secrets, has obviously never recovered from the shock of what happened to her.

Sadly, she escaped and we failed to recapture her, cut off her ears and nose, and stone her to death, as is only proper. Another thing the Muslims learned from us. The Muslims learned all the bad things from us, like blowing themselves up and stuff. We had classes for them, back in the day, but we had to stop when the smart people invented the New York Times. Another Big Sigh.

The failure to recapture her and properly punish her is the Pope's fault.

He changed canon law on us in 1983, so when we petitioned to have her caught and at least a hand cut off or something, we lost the argument.

As you can see, we had to just settle for the frontal lobotomy.

It's all the law would allow.

We apologize to America for allowing her to inflict herself on you all.

We hope you can forgive us.