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Saturday, March 12, 2005

Florida's Fast Food

“Thank you for coming to Burger Biggie’s. May I take your order?”

“Yes, I would like a Biggie Bun, large fries, and a water, please.”


“Yes, a water please.”

“Alright, hold on just a minute. Doctor!!”


“Yes, doctor. As you know, water is a medical treatment. I’m not a doctor and I can’t prescribe that for you. We need to get our doctor out here to assess you and determine if this is appropriate treatment.”

“But, I…”

“Hmmm, what’s all this? I was in the middle of filling an inside straight when you… oh.…. wait… we have another one, don’t we? Open your mouth please.”

“Look, I just wanted to get a meal.”

“Orderlies, hold this man down.”

“Wait, I … wahh, mmfff…mmfff”

“Ah, I see the patient has a sore throat. Has he had trouble swallowing?”

“Well, it’s just a cold, and I…”

“I can’t understand a thing this man is saying.”

“Well if your orderly would keep his towel out of my mouth…”

“I’m sorry, this man needs rehabilitation before he can safely be given a dangerous medical treatment like a Biggie Bun, fries or water. Where is his guardian?”

“My what?”

“You see? He can’t communicate effectively. Bill, you were taking his order. Has he been like this since he came in?”

“Well, he’s certainly disoriented. Seemed shocked when I called for you. He didn’t seem to realize he’s in Florida now. And when he drove up, I couldn’t really understand him through the speaker in the drive-through.”

“Did he swerve around a lot as he drove?”

“Well, doctor, you can see how far he is from the curb.”

“Exactly. Hmmm… well, this is just what I thought. My diagnosis is he’s in a persistent vegetative state. People like him really shouldn’t be behind the wheel. Bill, have you checked his wallet?”

“Let me look – hold him down tight, men… Well, it seems like he’s got several credit cards and about fifty dollars cash.”

“We’ll need a judge to verify that his assets should be transferred to us, but that won’t take long. Judge Drear is in the back office with a pair of aces. Did this man mention anything else?”

“I heard him say ‘it’s all done’, but his enunciation was so bad, it sounded like ‘Biggie Bun’”

“Clearly he wanted to die then.”

“Yes, I would say so.”

“Alright, tie him up and throw him in the back with the others.”

“Hey, doc, can I have the Visa this time? That last guy’s Mastercard was nearly maxed out.”

“Alright, Bill, but I get the cash. I think I can take Judge Drear on this hand.”

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